Akatsuki vs Konoha
by Corran Griffin
Summary: I suppose you could call this POS a Red vs Blue parody, featuring Konoha shinobi and Akatsuki missing-nin. Rated M for language.


A.N. I'm putting this out here to test the waters, so to speak. If it's at all successful I'll continue on.

I just marathoned Red vs Blue, and after reading some fics I decided to try out a fusion. Obviously, the dialog will look familiar. And yes, there are reasons I chose certain characters for certain parts.

* * *

It was a fine day in Fire Canyon. The birds were singing, the sun was shining over the two small bases, the… wait, what?

One of the bases, the one with red designs, had two people standing on the roof. They were attired similarly. One man had red hair which obscured one eye from view; he was wearing a black cloak embossed with dark red clouds. The other man looked to be part man/part shark. The clouds on his cloak were orange, clashing horribly with his blue skin.

Nagato, the redhead turned to his 'friend.' "Hey."

"Yeah?" the fish-man, Kisame replied.

"You ever wonder why we're here?" was the question.

Kisame tilted his head in thought. "It's one of life's great mysteries, isn't it. Why _are_ we here? I mean, are we the product of... some cosmic coincidence or, is there really a God... watching everything? You know, with a plan for us and stuff. I don't know man, but it keeps me up at night," he finished.

Nagato just stared at him.

Kisame stared back.

"…What?" Nagato said incredulously. "I meant why are we out _here_, in this canyon?"

Kisame glanced to the side. "Oh, uh... yeah."

"What was all that stuff about God?" Nagato asked.

"Uh... hm? Nothing," Kisame quickly replied.

"You wanna talk about it?"

"No."

"You sure?"

"Yeah."

Sensing his reluctance (or just not caring anymore) Nagato changed the subject. "Seriously though, why _are_ we out here? Far as I can tell, it's just a box canyon in the middle of nowhere, with no way in or out."

Kisame made a sound which could be construed as agreement.

Nagato continued his rant. "And the only reason that we set up a Red base here, is because they have a Blue base over there. And the only reason they have a Blue base over there is because we have a Red base here."

"Yeah, that's because we're fighting each other," Kisame pointed out.

Nagato shook his head. "No no, but I mean, even if we were to pull out today, and they were to come take our base, they would have two bases in the middle of a box canyon. Whoop de fucking do!"

"What's up with that anyway? I mean, I signed on to capture demons. Next thing I know Madara fucks up that time/space jutsu and we're all here in this alternate reality where everybody thinks we're members of some army and nobody remembers we're really ninjas or anything…"

oooooooooo

Two men stood on a cliff overlooking the Red base. The first held a sniper rifle. His black hair was strangely styled, somewhat resembling the ass of a duck. Around his head he wore a light blue bandana, upon which was secured a forehead protector. The second stood slightly to the side. He had blond hair and wore a forehead protector attached to a teal bandana.

Naruto, the blond, poked his partner on the shoulder. "What are they doing?"

Sasuke, the other man, lowered the rifle before turning to Naruto. "What?" he asked, sounding pissed.

Naruto didn't seem to notice. "I said what're they doing now?"

"God damn, I'm getting so sick of answering that question!" Sasuke said.

Naruto looked offended. "Hey you have the fucking rifle, I can't see shit. Don't bitch at me because I'm not going to just sit up here and play with my dick all day."

Sasuke took a minute to compose himself before replying. "Okay, okay look: They're just standing there, and talking, okay? That's all they're doing. That's all they _ever_ do, is just stand there and talk. That's what they were doing last week, that's what they were doing when you asked me five minutes ago. So five minutes from _now_, when you ask me 'What're they doing?' my answer's gonna be 'They're still just talking, and they're still just standing there!'"

Naruto cocked his head. "... What're they talking about?"

"You know what? I fucking hate you," Sasuke sighed.

oooooooooo

"… I mean, fuck, now we're even calling ourselves the Red Team instead of Akatsuki! It's like everybody but me has gone insane!" Kisame exclaimed.

Nagato glanced up from the floor (or would that be roof?) where he'd been kicking a grenade around. "Hmm?"

Kisame sighed. "Nothing. Abso-fucking-lutely nothing."

"Ladies! Front and center, on the double!" a demanding voice suddenly boomed.

"Fuck me," Nagato exhaled, startled.

"Yes sir!" Kisame shouted as they both descended from the roof.


End file.
